By Mohammed Bello Doka

Yesterday, the APC chose Kaduna not Lagos to flag off its 2027 presidential campaign, a very strategic choice if not for El-Rufai , an experiment the ruling party tagged the de-El-Rufaization of Kaduna State. It could have been a success, if not for the lack of cooperation by the people of the North West, the annoying chants of Bamayi and the repetitive melody of Sai Atiku. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another edition of Sarcastic Sunday with Mohammed Bello Doka, where we study Nigeria’s political gymnastics sarcastically laced with humor, because doing otherwise will choke us to death.

Let us begin with the troubling statistics that the APC would rather you forget. The World Bank says about 139 million Nigerians live below the national poverty line, with poverty concentrated largely in the northern part of the country. The World Food Programme says 36.3 million people across Nigeria are food insecure, with the lean season between harvests hitting the North West hardest. The official unemployment rate is about five percent, a figure that would be hilarious if it were not so tragic, given that the majority of workers remain trapped in low-productivity, informal jobs. And insecurity? In July, about 30 residents of Naridon village in Kauru Local Government Area, Kaduna State, were reportedly murdered in their sleep, with houses razed and residents abducted. Bandits also killed a resident and abducted nine people, including a woman and her four children, in Chikun Local Government Area of Kaduna State just weeks before the APC rolled into town. The governor’s own state. The party’s own launch pad.

Now juxtapose all of this with the treatment of Mallam Nasir El-Rufai, the man widely credited with selling Tinubu to the North in 2023.

He has been in ICPC custody since February 18, 2026. The bail conditions reportedly include a Level 17 civil servant with property in Maitama or Asokoro, plus an attestation from the Chairman of the Kaduna State Traditional Rulers Council. Please, who advised the APC to open its campaign in Kaduna?

Let us talk about the absurdities. Tinubu has never visited Kaduna to condole with victims of the multiple disasters that have plagued the state. He could not fulfill a single promise he made to Kaduna four years ago. Yet he chose this same Kaduna, this same state, to launch his re-election bid. The presidential aide called it “deliberate” and “strategic,” describing Kaduna as the political heartbeat of Northern Nigeria. The heartbeat of the North, ladies and gentlemen, where the people are hungry, the farmers are attacked, and the former governor who delivered the North to Tinubu is sitting in detention in Abuja. Please, who advised Tinubu and the APC to begin its presidential campaign in Kaduna?

The day itself was ruined, not just for the President but for the contractors saddled with the responsibility of bringing in the crowd to cheer. Reports from the rally described empty seats at the Kaduna Township Stadium, with mobilisation payments allegedly ranging from ₦50,000 to ₦100,000 per person, and still the stadium was sparsely occupied. Attendees reportedly chanted “Ba mu yi” after leaving the venue, a Hausa phrase meaning “we don’t want.” Imagine the humiliation. You pay people to come and cheer, and they use your money to tell you they don’t want you. Even the APC mobilizers themselves were reportedly caught on video complaining that Kaduna residents refused to come out and show support for Governor Uba Sani and Tinubu.

And speaking of humiliation, let us revisit the alleged ₦2.3 trillion campaign budget. The Kaduna State Government denied it, calling the letter fake, pointing out that the state’s entire 2026 budget is only ₦985.92 billion. But here is the detail that should make you laugh until your ribs ache: the forged letter misspelled Governor Uba Sani’s surname as “Uba Sai.” The government is so overworked denying fake letters that they had to correct the spelling of their own governor’s name in the process. When a party is under this much pressure, apparently even the governor’s name becomes a casualty.

Now, remember the afro-keeping senator turned blogger, the data boys, and the political jobbers who have spent the best part of their lives claiming that El-Rufai has lost relevance in Kaduna, that Kaduna belongs to Tinubu and Uba Sani. They told us the people had moved on. They told us El-Rufai was finished. Yet the same social media warriors are now complaining that regardless of what happens, Kaduna people should have stood with their governor. So which is it? Is Kaduna solidly APC, or are the people refusing to come out? You cannot have it both ways, gentlemen. The same people who dismissed El-Rufai’s relevance are now begging residents to show love to a governor who owes his position to the man they say is irrelevant.

El-Rufai is in detention in Abuja, and his detention only makes matters worse for the APC. Every day he sits in that cell, the North remembers. Every day the bail conditions remain unreachable, the story spreads. This is just the beginning. By January, the people will respond, not only with “Bamaso” but with protest votes to sweep away the APC. The sneeze from Abuja has already given the seven governors their cold in Kaduna. The only question is whether they have any medicine left.

Mohammed Bello Doka can be reached via bellodoka82@gmail.com

Abuja Network News